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Back, a little bit

Tomorrow, I'm leaving San Francisco, the city I had left a bit more than 4 years ago, to arrive in Vienna on 16.12.2009. When I found ground under my feet again, I did not have it for long - we had already lost you.

For the first time in a while, I once again got a glimpse of how your passing has impacted the life of our community, the life of close friends, and my own. I noticed that when I met some of my friends who I hadn't seen or heard since my last visit, your death became somewhat of a frame for a lot of the things that happened afterwards. I assume the fact that your passing coincided with my arrival makes me especially prone to this kind of pattern matching. I did not expect that returning to this place turns out to be as dark as it did.

I found myself apologizing for bringing you and your circumstances up. I found myself quietly mourning, unable to share some of the darkness as I saw my friends here struggle with their own set of difficulties. I revisiting some of the thoughts that I thought I shook off after the first few weeks of trying to cope with your loss. Some of them relating to guilt, for not having intervened as much as I would have hoped to see from others, for maybe contributing to the pressure in your heart and mind by merely following my path, and inadvertently giving off a perception of … a kind of success that you did not have in your own life at that point.

As far fetched and arrogant as this sounds, I'm in this position right now. I struggle with my friend's success. Boy, do I. San Francisco really hit that one home too. I struggle with my mental health, my ability to see a path I can call my own and feels like it too.

I miss you, I miss seeing you grow up. And, I guess, I just for the first time publicly admitted that I'm afraid that I somehow contributed to your detriment. I assume now it's time for me to deal with that.

I'm not quite sure why I'm about to post this to the public. I guess this place is just the place of our/my mourning, despite the lack of privacy. Right now, unloading into a void makes the most sense. PS: no worries.
Reposted byderreisende derreisende

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